Hello my dear,
I'm glad to be back after such a long break. My mind has been exploding lately from words which need to be said. This is probably a really bad timing, but I've got a bad habit. I usually do things in the wrong other, to say it clear I set preorities where I shouldn't even think about doing that. But I prefer doing fun stuff instead of studying nonsense. Because I've got one beautiful life only for what I know at least. Academic success can be extremely important to many of us, don't get me wrong. But sometimes if it's possible you just have to choose yourself before school. I would have found this very helpful as I almost fell into a wide black hole the last couple of weeks where I thought not to find light anymore. Probably not specifically because of school, but everything I did and this is most likely what I want to apologize for.
Since I came back to Europe I wasn't able to be as present as I wanted to be for most of you. I barely talked to my loved ones in the US, neither was I fully physically able to enjoy time with my European friends and family. Occasionally I felt absent, my body felt ripped apart and my heart broken because I couln't fulfill my own wishes, needs, desires,.. So how could I make others happy if I couldn't be the happiest version of myself.
Especially people who don't know me very well told me what a positive impact I made in their lives. I immediately started feeling guilty, bad and ashamed. If it was the wrong image they had of me. I didn't feel confident about anything, because I had a feeling that I couldn't handle the easiest things. I felt weak and exhausted. Physically and mentally. I suddenly got a headache which I never experienced before. Maybe this was a signal that my mind was confused as hell already. Due to this occasion I knew that all of this was wrong and I had to change many things in my life to get on the right path again.
The hardest thing wasn't even the daily pressure I put on my shoulders. It was my absence towards my family and friends. I wanted to say so much but I couldn't. I didn't know how to express my feelings, neither did I have enough time to think about what to tell them. The fear of loosing all the people I love slowly killed me from inside.
The last thing I want to share and spread is negativity. This is a love letter to all the people out there who crossed my path while being on this adventure. People who came into my life, people who left quickly, people who stayed, people who will always be in my heart. You really have no idea how much I love you. Thank you for being here.
Little did I know about the power of relationships, how strong the connection of two people can be. I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, hoping that all of you can read this, so that you know that you will never be forgotten. I would send this to every beautiful soul but to be honest I don't have enough paper. I would tell you this in person. A thousand times. But this way just seems a lot easier to share my thoughts. I hope this reaches you well, I hope you understand the importance of you being a freaking living being on this planet. That you, no matter what, have such great impact on people's lives.
I see you, I think about you, I hear you, I love you. More than ever. Please be patient with me, I'm just a little crazy human who needs to figure out life.
With that being said, I want to thank you one last time. If you feel any kind of despressed, or sad or overwhelmed, just please remember my words: sometimes you have to choose yourself. We are all here to help each other out, we are one.
Sending you extra love today. <3
Yours
Anna